Paisley's first day of Kindergarten

Paisley started Kindergarten yesterday. She was SO excited to finally be in the "big school". The reality of the situation was brought home to me a few days prior when we had her teacher meet-n-greet and she was given her first homework assignment, due upon her arrival to school. Wow! Are we seriously hitting homework already? Life is a-changing, as they say!!

I thought really hard about what to post about Paisley's first day of Kindergarten. Of course, I have posted a few pictures so you can see what her new uniform looks like. She has several choices from which to pick - jumpers versus skorts, solids versus plaids, different color polo shirts, etc. She informed me this morning that she needed more than one choice of shoe to wear so I guess I'll go get those navy Mary Janes that I've been contemplating. They will look really cute with her uniform as well. The navy and white saddleback tennis shoes were my favorite, but I am learning that as she gets older she deserves to have a say in what she wears... and considering the required uniform has reduced her choices quite a bit, I think the least I can do is give her more shoe options.

She was excited when I picked her up at the end of the day. And she was happily anticipating going back today. That seems to be a good sign. She couldn't remember 90% of her classmates names... even when I prompted her... in fact, she wasn't even sure of the name of the girl and boy who sit on either side of her at her table. Not sure if that is a lack in social skills or memory - but hopefully she'll pay more attention to her new friends today. She told me she was "perfect purple" (they follow the colored card system for discipline there and purple means you had a perfect day). Whew! That one was a relief for me. Not that she normally has behavior issues (because she doesn't) but I was slightly concerned when she was tempted to throw a fit over the fact that her doll, Allison, was not allowed to attend school with her. Apparently, she pulled it together and had a fine first day anyway!We didn't walk the entire way to school. We actually drove the golf cart part of the way in the neighborhood and then Colby, Whitley and I all walked her over from there - waving to Officer Rick along the way - and joining several of our friends from the neighborhood. It was a fun way to start the new year. We will reduce the golf cart portion a little each day so that the walking portion is longer than the driving... until finally we are walking from the house to the school (about a 15 minute walk). I didn't want to wear her out too much the first week since she is already getting up earlier than usual - her brain and body are so tired from all of the learning and new activities she is adjusting to, not to mention the longer hours she is now attending. It will just be easier once her body has adjusted.

After contemplating what to write for her first day, I decided to write Paisley a letter - something that she can hold onto and reflect on when she is older - maybe it will give her a window into what my feelings were on this momentous day. So, here goes. I hope I can get through it without crying.

My sweet miss Paisley Rae,
Yesterday you started Kindergarten. Wow! Is that really possible? It seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms amazed that I was finally a mom. The possibilities seemed endless for you then - just as they do now - your whole life is ahead of you still. What an amazing reality!

I remember when you were first born and some of my friends with older children would say "Enjoy it. It goes by so fast. You'll blink your eyes and she'll be graduating from high school." I laughed at them then thinking that was ridiculous... but I must say that I now have a greater understanding for how they could feel that way. These five years have truly flown by. As I sat on the floor playing with your baby sister this morning, it amazes me that you were once that small. That you were learning how to talk and how to walk - and laughing with delight as you dropped things from your high chair. The fact that God created our brains to go from nothing to SO much in such a short amount of time is absolutely miraculous!

I wanted the best for you when you were born. I still do!! I tried to do everything the experts say will make a wholesome and complete child. I signed you up for music and creative play classes. I put you to sleep on your back and side. I breastfed you for over a year. I read tons and tons of books to you every day. In fact, books were your favorite thing - above any toy - for the first 2 years of your life. I limited your TV time so much so that you didn't even watch 5 minutes of TV until you were 20 months old. To this day, you still don't care much for TV... you'd much rather prefer to be drawing or playing with dolls. I love that about you! I try to keep you on a schedule, make sure you get lots of sleep, limit your juice and junk food and ensure that you eat a fairly healthy diet. I have only wanted the best for you!

But I'm far from perfect and I worry so much that I haven't done enough right. That I haven't given you enough one-on-one time with me. That I didn't teach you enough things when your brain was growing at its fastest. That my discipline methods weren't the best and that I have somehow broken your spirit from time-to-time. These are the things that scare me to death because I am afraid that the mistakes I have made cannot be undone. When you have your own child one day, you will understand this. How it feels to love someone so much and want the world for them, but to know that you are not perfect and you inevitably will make mistakes. There is nothing so important as raising a child, and that is the one place in life where making mistakes can be terrifying!! Did I choose the right school, the right educational methods, am I teaching my child the right things about how to handle rejection and loss and how to interact with other people? Have I set a good example for how to handle arguments and anger and frustration? These are just a small number of the questions that go through my head every day and I can only believe that with God's help and wonderful people around to guide me, that I can raise you with as little collateral damage as possible. God has entrusted this precious gift to me - you! He chose me to be your mom and ultimate teacher in this life. I just hope I can live up to His faith in me.

As I watched you walk down the sidewalk to the school entrance, I was overcome with emotion. I think the hardest part for me was realizing that for a large amount of time each day, you will be in someone else's care. Literally, 1/3 of the your day will be spent with other people... and under their influence. That is scary to me! The lack of control I will have about what you are seeing and hearing and learning... it's the most difficult to swallow. With all that I have tried to teach you over the years, there are also things I wish you never had to learn. If I could protect you from those things, I would, but unfortunately you must learn them the hard way. I can tell you about each one but it won't truly sink in until you experience it for yourself.

• I wish you never had to experience rejection - that you'd never have to know loss.
• There will be days you will be chosen last... and even worse, there will be days you may not be chosen at all.
• There are people who at times will find pleasure in your pain. I wish I could teach you how not to care what others think - but no matter how old you get, that one is hard to master.
• At times, you will experience loneliness, jealousy, heartbreak, and insecurity.
• Sadly, it's only a matter of time before you realize that the world is not fair - and nothing you do will ever change that.
• If I could, I would protect you from mean girls, being excluded, bullies and profanity.
• From now on, grades will become a measure of who you are to some people, but I want you to feel secure with the fact that no test or piece of paper can ever give you self-worth. It's you who determine your value in this world. I really hope you give yourself an A+.
• There will be days you won't want to go to school because someone has been mean to you, your best friend has decided she wants to be best friends with someone else, and your teacher isn't that great. These things will happen but life must go on and you must learn to deal with the bad, right along with the good. Life, after all, is chalked up with a lot of both!

But you will also have teachers that will inspire you, friends who will be a part of your life forever, and a knowledge bank that will place a world of opportunity at your feet. So, as you enter the "big school" each day - with all of that possibility laying before you - my greatest wish is that you'll stay a newborn at heart for as long as possible. What I mean by that is hold onto that naivety and innocence. You can always grow and learn, but you can never go back to that sweet ignorance that only a young child possesses.

Really, all I can do is pray for you (and I do!) and put my trust in God to guide you. I can tell you this one thing for sure - He is always there for you. No matter how much I let you down or your teachers and friends prove they are only human... God is the rock that you can always count on. If you hold onto that, I know you'll be just fine. I love you, my sweet girl. Now go... the world is waiting for you.

Love, Mama